Believe me, no one marries to separate, most couples when they make the commitment of marriage only dream of being happy and building a family together, but over the years a lot can change, either for various reasons the end of the marriage ends up being inevitable and it can be, yes, the best solution for both the couple and the children after all, if the parents are not happy, the children are not happy either.
Many couples end up hiding the separation from their children because they think that this way, they would be protecting and preventing them from suffering. The most used excuses are that the father is traveling or worse, they are still living in the same house, however, in different rooms they create a whole farce of "happy couple" but this can be a huge mistake as children would suffer much more watching daily discussions and a lack of love or affection from both, than if the divorce is consummated.
Any divorce, however friendly it may be, will be a very difficult situation for the whole family, especially for children, however, when done with maturity and respect, putting love for children first can make this period much lighter. The first thing to keep in mind is to know exactly what the couple wants, because many couples break up and when the little ones are already adapted and accepting the new reality they get back together and that, it becomes a true "Mexican soap opera". can create expectations of reconciliation is, of course, the divorce is final.
The separation process can cause trauma to the child that can follow him/her throughout his/her life if it is not very well resolved between all family members. It is necessary to teach them to differentiate the couple and the role of the father and / or mother, it is not because the marriage is over that he or she will love you less, dialogue at this moment is fundamental. Check out some tips on how to explain the separation to your children in the best possible way, preventing them from getting hurt, let alone feeling guilty.
How to Explain Parent Separation to Children
Be frank and keep the dialogue going
The couple must agree in advance a day and time to sit down and tell their children about the separation. Explain clearly that mom and dad will not live together anymore, but that will not change the love you feel for them and that regardless of everything you will always be their parents. In a recent study, it was found that 80% of preschool children were not told that their parents were separating. They just woke up one morning and their parents were no longer together.
Don't expose your children to such a sad experience as this can harm them and make them grow up angry. Go straight to the point but, with great respect and wisdom when using words, don't put it off until later, because I can already imagine your child ending up discovering this through someone else's mouth, he will think that you betrayed him and gain his trust from again it may take a while.
Don't blame others
Regardless of whether there is blame or not, we must avoid, at all costs, pointing the finger of blame at anyone, especially in front of children. After all, he loves both his father and mother and leaving them divided is not the best thing, it is necessary for him to maintain respect and love for his parents, so being guilty will only make him sad.
Children likely believe they are responsible for your breakup, especially before the age of eight. The best way to start the conversation is like this: Mom and Dad decided not to live together anymore, but we will always love him.
Don't ask your children to choose
Never put your child in a difficult situation of having to choose sides. Turning your paternity into a popularity contest just to try to get your ex-partner's attention is harmful to your child. If he's older, talk to him, let him express what he's feeling about it, but never ask him to make decisions that are usually not in his best interest, nor healthy for him.
Explain how the visits will be from now on
Avoid surprises, always keep them inside which days the father will pick him up. At this moment, children need a lot of love, organization and family structure, something very useful is the elaboration of a calendar, where the days will be specified and which house they stayed with it, they will maintain a routine, being able to plan outings and even make friends close to the two houses.
what you shouldn't do
- Don't Lie: In such a difficult time, your children need to trust your honesty more than ever.
- Don't talk bad about each other to the child: As much as you came out of the relationship hurt, your child has nothing to do with it after all, it was the man and woman relationship that ended and not the parent-child relationship.
- Discussing in front of the children: This can be avoided, when we are nervous we say hurtful words and change the voice and that, it is not healthy for anyone to put something you have in common which is the love you have for your child first and above all, respect each other.
- Take away authority from ex-husband or ex-wife: If your child comes to you and asks to go somewhere you should use the phrase "I will talk to your father/mother and together we will decide whether you can go or not" . Parents need to be united in the education of their children to teach them to have limits.
After separation, how to tell the children that the father or mother is dating again?
It's not because your marriage didn't work out that you can't give love another chance, but like telling your child that you're dating again after having separated from their father, this is a dilemma experienced by many parents. First of all, make sure that the relationship is for real and that it's not just a thing for a few weeks and then it's over.
If the child is older it will be easier to talk to him and say that you met a special person but that this person will not take his father's place. Another thing is to never leave the child aside to stay with the current boyfriend (a) always include the little one in the walks and games with this, the child will begin to feel comfortable with the new presence.